Cut Too Deep
by Shywriter71
Summary: No one was suppose to know about that night, they weren't suppose to know what she was doing to herself... but how can you hide a secret when it's written all over your body?
1. Chapter 1

Author note: This is my very first story so I am really sorry if it's bad but please be nice and if you like I may continue :)

Just one more … one more cut and all the pain will go away. How did I let it get this far. The razor so close to making a new mark on my skin, I was ready to go numb once again, she heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"Clare" I didn't answer the tall lumberjack boy, who I knew was on the other side of the door so he knocked again and said "Clare it's almost time for school and I really need to get ready so can you please get your ass out of there" he has a whine tone to his voice. I looked down at my arm, at the bloody mess I had just made all by myself, and I start to wipe away all the red, I quickly put a Band-Aid on it and change my shirt. I can't let them see it the scars, I can't let them know my secret, and it would make them all hate me.

I open the door to see Jake standing looking worried but all I said was "sorry" and rush out of the bathroom and into my room; he was too much in a rush to really care what was going on with his step sister right now. I had to make sure that no one saw anything I didn't need my mom,Glenn,jake and I certainly didn't need Eli founding out about this, it would crush him and they I would have to tell him what happened.

Once I was ready I walked down to the living room that once brought me so much joy and happiness just now brings me pain and sadness. I started to walk toward the door, I didn't want to wait for Jake, plus I could use the exercise. "Clare, honey aren't you go to eat something? "She turns to see her mom sitting at the kitchen table with coffee in her hands, she's smiling but I can also see the Worry in her eyes as while. "Plus, I would really like to talk to you." Oh god she knows she going to tell me how she hates me, she's going to make me move out. "Are you and Eli having sex?" my mother blurts out bringing me out of my thoughts, I stand freeze in my spot. "What?" I look at her as if she lost her mind." Are you and Eli having sex?" she asks again, and since I don't answer so she goes on. "I mean you stop wearing your ring" oh so she notices that but she doesn't notice anything else, and I didn't really feel like explaining it to her why I stopped wearing that absurd ring, so I look down at my hands and lie. "I gave it to Eli, so one day he will know I will want to sleep with him, because I love him." The last part isn't a lie. I don't wait for an answer I just walk out, I know she's calling me name but I keep walking I will spill everything and it will ruin everything.

As I walk I see degrassi getting closer and closer, I start to wonder how I got so messed up before this happened I had a happy life, I had a good relationship with my mother, I got along with my step-father and step-brother, I had the best friends any girl could ask for, and I had an incredible boyfriend. Now I feel like if I tell them the truth that they will hate me. I don't want them to see what I have done to myself. As I get closer I see figure sitting on the steps, Once he looks up and see me he smiles, a real smile not one of his usually smirks. "Well hello, I've been waiting for my gorgeous girlfriend" he smiles, and I feel the butterflies in my stomach when he says that but I also feel guilt, because if he knew happened that night, if he saw the scars he wouldn't love me anymore, I feel selfish but I try to fake a smile and he sees right through it, and I know from the look on his face he wants to know what's wrong because this has been going on for months now. "Clare" he says softly, he grabs my hands gently, and holds them in both of his. I know I need to tell him but I'm so scared he will leave me. "Clare" he says it again softly but this time I can hear the anxiety in his voice. "Clare can you please tell me what's wrong" he says and I can hear how desperate he is to find out what's wrong, he looks at me with his pleading emerald. "I need to know, because you're the love of my life" he says honestly and I can see his eyes start watery "I need to know that I'm not going to lose you, so I need you tell me what happen, after you saw Liam that night, because ever since that night you've become a different person" I look at his big green, I need to tell him. I need to tell him now because he looks so broken. So I pull him down to the steps of degrassi, and I breathe in and say the words that have haunted me for the last 3 month "He raped me" I say in a whisper, but from the look on Eli face I know he heard me, he looks like a seen a ghost. "and I completely understand if you find me gross and disgusting, you can leave I completely understand" I just start playing with my hands all I keep thinking about is that I need to get the bathroom I need to cut. I just need this pain to go away, but when I try to stand up Eli pulls me down and into his arms and in the first time in months I cry, he rubs my back and whisper in my ear "I'm not going anywhere." And he tilts my head so that blue is looking into green "I Love you" he says , I believe him and soon his kisses make me forget everything… he knows but he doesn't know what I've done.


	2. I need your love

**Author note: I'm** sorry for that this took so long, umm I really sorry for all the mistake in this chapter I wrote this morning and I was In a hurry so sorry... and this is the chapter with what actually happened at the party. So enjoy :) but this is a trigger chapter.. so I'm sorry.

Eli walks me to my locker, he left me so he could go to his own, he told me not leave that he would be right back; I am going to take full advantage of being alone. Grabbing my stash from my backpack I head to the bathroom. I walk in and head for the very last stall; I pull out the razor that I have used to numb away the pain, I put the blade to my skin and slowly make a slice, blood comes oozing out. Before I can stop myself I am thinking back to that night, which only causes me more pain

_*Flashback*_

"_Clare, we don't have to go" Eli whispers, I know he's talking about the big cast party for Romeo and Jules but after the Asher thing I just want to have fun. "No we should go, plus I just want to have fun with my amazing, incredible and oh so handsome boyfriend" I say all proud because I know I have spoken the truth. Eli just smiles and leans down to kiss her "I love you, now let's get going" he has the goofiest smile on his face, and takes my hand and leads me to cece's car. When we get to tori's house the party is in full swing, Eli hopes out of the car and run to open my door. "We don't have to stay that long" He says once again looking into my eyes. "Let's go" I say and grab his arm pulling him toward the door. "someone's excited "he laughs, once we walked into the house all we saw was teenagers everywhere, loud music coming from big black speakers in the corner of the room, people having practically having sex on the dance floor. "Hey Eli" a short girl with black curly hair comes up to us as we enter the house, with two boys one tall with black hair and another one shorter with brownish hair. "Hey tori, this is Clare" and he points to me, and they says "That is also the star of the show Tristan" he beams and I can see how proud he is. "Hi" I say cheerfully. "Hi, this is my boyfriend zig" Tori smiles "I'm sorry Clare, but I have to steal your boyfriend for a few minutes" tori says sweetly "Yeah, of course" I didn't want to let him go, but it was a party for his play. He stands for minute and whispers "are you sure?" I should say no but instead all I say is "Of course, I have to find alli and Jenna" and I let go of his hand start walking through the sea of bodies, trying to find a dark-haired girl and a blonde but instead I see someone I haven't seen in a well, Liam. "Hey, well isn't it Clare bear" I can tell he's drunk. "Hey Liam" I whisper, he starts to look me up and down and all of sudden I feel really shy and I regret wearing my navy blue dress. "What are you doing at a party like this?" he asks "well, my boyfriend directed the play" I say all proud. Just when I think he's about to leave he asks me "Do you know where the bathroom is here? Such an odd question. "No I'm sorry I don't" maybe now he'll leave me alone. "Can you help me find it please?" everything inside me is screaming NO! He looks so helpless and drunk. "Sure" I laugh. We start walking through the sea of people, I turn to my right and see Eli in a deep conversation with some of the grade 9, the bathroom for the down stairs one had a long line, I didn't want to wait and I felt if I left Liam alone I would feel horrible. So I decided ignore the sign that says to stay out of the upstairs and take him to the one upstairs, there no one up here and were all alone, soon were outside the door. "Ok here you go "I say in a whisper. Then all of sudden Liam was looking down at me with his brown eyes "awe Clare-bear that was too easy" he says with a wicked smile on his face. "What?" I'm so passed confused "Getting you all alone up stairs, I've wanted to fuck you since last year "He says with such joy, evil seeping out every word. "Well, I guess you're going to have to keep waiting" as I turn to walk away he grabs my arm and pushes me against the wall closest to the bathroom. "Yeah I don't think so" he says angry, "Why don't we use one of these rooms up here, I would rather not fuck you in a bathroom" he whispers and kisses my cheek. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run but I'm too numb. Before I can move, his lips are on mine they are harsh and not the ones I'm so familiar with. I try to push him away but he's so much stronger. "Shut up bitch" he whisper yells and soon I'm pushed into a dark room, I try to hold back the sob as he pushes me toward the bed, the buttons on my dress are coming unbuttoned and soon I am in nothing but my bra and my underwear. I close my eyes and pray this just a horrible dream but soon I hear him unbuckle his belt and hear the zipper, then I hear them hit the floor and I try to hold back the sob but this time it doesn't work. "Awe Clare-bear don't you look sexy" he so sleazy and want to go and find Eli, No I need to find Eli! When I Try to get up he pushes me back on to the bed and this time climbs on top of me. "Awe Clare this will hurt" he laughs, and all of sudden all I feel is a horrifying pain, he's moving so fast and the pain is unbearable I try to scream but his large hand is covering my mouth, so I do the one thing I know might make him stop I bite on his hand." OW! You bitch that fucking hurts" he slapped me and then he's finished. "Well that was fun" he jumps off me and starts dressing. Soon it's just me by myself naked in unknown place._

*present*

"I need your love, I need your time, When everything's wrong you make it right I feel so high I come alive I need to be free with you tonight" starts blaring from my phone. I know before I even look at it that it's Eli. I don't answer, I start cleaning the mess I made on my arm, it stings but I deserved it right? My phone start blaring again and this time I answer. "Hello" I barely recognize my voice. "Clare where did you go? "He asks "We still need to talk and I was wondering if you wanted to skip the rest of the day?" he asks with a pleading voice "I'll meet you by the front door" he says before I can even answer. I walk out of the bathroom and walk toward the front door, the halls are deserted, everyone is in class. As I walk to the front I see the one person who makes me forget everything dressed in black, he turns as he hears me walking. Blue is on green and I can see the worry in his eyes. "Hey, let's get out of here" I say as I try to lighten the mood, a sad smile crosses his face and he grabs my hand, Just like I know he's about the find out the secret I have kept hidden for so long. His hand moves up my arm, I look into his eyes and see a look I have never seen before, he slowly starts to pull up my sleeve, the look of pure horror takes over, once he sees the dreadful marks I have made on my skin, he sees the mark I just I made in the bathroom, those are still red. "Clare" the way he says it breaks my heart. "What the hell are these?" before I can answer I feel like I'm going to collapse, I fall to the ground before I can hit it Eli catches me all I can remember before the darkness takes me away is the sound of my scared boyfriend whispering "I love you Clare, please don't leave me" then nothing.


End file.
